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6 Ridiculously Expensive Dildos That Will Make You Cry

If you’ve browsed any sex toy sites and cringed at the hundred dollar price tags, you might want to take precautions before reading any farther, because most of these will induce a mid-grade heart attack.

 

 

6. Eternity by JimmyJane – $2750 - $3250

 

 

The Eternity follows suit with other posh dildos by using 24k gold or platinum plating and 28 encrusted VS1 diamonds.

 

The most interesting part of the Eternity is the “replaceable motor”. Vibrations are hard on even the highest quality vibrator (which is something to keep in mind when buying any sex toy), and there is always a chance things will become noisy or just burn out as time goes by. This is why many expensive toys come with a warranty. But JimmyJane came up with the clever idea of just giving customers the option to switch out the motor itself. Kudos on that point.

 

The shiny opulence, however, is somewhat tarnished by the power source that is an AA battery, which doesn't (in general) lend as much power to a motor as a rechargeable. Granted, it’s waterproof and can be put in the dishwasher, but I’m seriously questioning how strong the motor is – because if I was to shell out that much dough, it better set off fireworks.

 

 

5. Inez by Lelo – $15,000

 

 

You’ll notice a pattern: gold, platinum, and precious gems. Lelo is already well known for their high-end toys, but they go one step further (in an entire line of four toys, no less) by using what the competition employs. It’s available in 24 karat gold plating or stainless steel options ($7,900 for the steel). The debate surrounding the Inez is the same with any exorbitant sex toy. Is it worth it?

 

A spokesperson for LA Pleasure Chest said, “Certain erogenous zones like the G-spot and prostate respond particularly well to firm massage, so metal toys — including 24k gold — are well-designed for this.”  

 

On the other hand, one reviewer said, “This is a vibrator. It sports the same internal structure as a $12 plastic vibrator does. For the price being asked, this is an insane purchase to make. The price says 'I am made of solid gold'. However, this is a gold PLATED item. Meaning the total amount of gold present is about half a gram. Total price this is about worth is $100.”

 

Whether it’s worth the investment is a matter of perspective and personal preference. Gwyneth Paltrow certainly loved it enough to endorse it on her website.

 

 

4. Nell Pleasure Seed by Coco de Mer – $18,000

 

 

Named after Charles II of England’s mistress (Nell Gwyn), this coco de mer seed inspired toy is plated with 18k gold and comes in a wood box with gold key. Apparently, it was to celebrate the company’s 14th birthday. Why not the 10th or 15th?

 

I’m also not sure what gives it a $2000 lead over the Inez, other than the fact it’s rechargeable. However, it doesn’t use as much gold. So … WTF? At least they have a silicone version that runs around $200.

 

 

3. Victor Phantasm - $60,000

 

 

A Parisian jeweler made this one. I’m guessing he is equal parts kink and romantic. Aside from the 18 karat white gold, you’ll get 27 D/VVS diamonds in the form of an engagement ring that sits in the middle of the toy.

 

 

2. The Royal Pearl - $1 million

 

 

Made by an Australian silversmith, Colin Burn, it’s "a lavish vibrator cast in solid platinum, embellished with over 1,000 sparkling white diamonds, royal blue sapphires, lustrous South Sea pearls and the finest pink diamonds on the planet."

 

Burn is known for making extravagant toys for the super-rich with precious materials, monograms, custom details, and even … human hair. One vibrator has a pearl earring and necklace set crafted to match the toy. The only thing I could MAYBE afford from him is the $300 silver nipple clamps. But I’ll use the money to pay my rent, thank you.

 

 

1.  The Kyynmwahppt Dildo – $2.5 million

 

 

No diamonds or gold – just wood and paint.

 

In January 2015, an artist called “Max” tossed this 19” Native American iconography painted dildo on eBay. What makes it so expensive?

 

Somewhere in the explanation that is riddled with terrible grammar, we find out that a “Reader” (whatever that is) came to Max and told him he should “draw out spirits” and honor them by sculpting them.

 

This particular piece is the essence of “Kyynmwahppt” (which has zero references or information other than the eBay link) and is “the ever watchful good spirit to help you see all positive things in life.” 

 

“My mission is to help the needy, like build wells, schools and books and much more. I was asked by my elders to travel the world and help the needy.”

 

“Good intentions” aside, someone was either high or crazy. Or both. And I’m pretty sure they came up with the name by grabbing a handful of Scrabble pieces and chucking them on the floor.

 


 

And these are just the dildos. Velv’or sells cock rings, the JCobra and King Cobra, for $52,093 and $220,000 respectively. Custom sex furniture will cost you in the tens of thousands depending on how complicated you want it. And I certainly can’t complain anymore about the real silicone dolls I was looking at – fully customizable appearances, electronic/moving face parts, and (limited) A.I. programs.

 

Have a toy-tastic day!

Robyn

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